It's been a while...
The times have rolled and meandered.. little tiny wheels
And of course there's an awkwardness
Hopefully it dissipates like a cold drop of water under the sun.
Totally not trying to write a poem.
We are on summer break at the end of which wait the important daunting life altering exams- the Qualifiers. Studying for the Qualifiers is a lonely heartbreaking process wrought with a specific boredom of old lessons ...that must make new sense.Hence the need to be candid about the feelings... they are always felt...but there have been very seldom times where I've sat with them. I'll have an extra cake, color co-ordinate my closet, clean the kitchen...you get the drift...
This is me trying to sit with my uncomfortable feelings.Uncomfortable for me is - that feeling of being abandoned...rejected...not thought of.... and it's always there like a dark shadow just beneath the skin...waiting for reality to mess up in one tiny way so it can ooze out.It crawls at the back of my neck and peers at my whole body like a sadistic lecherous beast and I know what's coming so I try feebly to look at the phone, to do one more...fun thing. Go away...I want to scream but I know I can't keep at this for too long. What is scary is how real all the lies I feed myself become and how much they rile me up in weird imaginary bouts of cramps that never seem to leave.... it's always there...the ache, the sadness waiting patiently to take me by surprise again. It is always a surprise- fresh and naive like a child playing peekaboo.
Of course it has very little to do with how things really are....I understand that now. I should be thankful and I am.
I write this and keep it as honest as I can because I care....Because sometimes I almost convince myself that I don't...when all my life...really...I've just cared too much.