Thursday, March 26, 2015

Downtown Abyss

You learn something new every day right? So I learnt that those black trays that you slide in and slide out and keep your keyboards on...are called adjustable keyboard trays. I bragged about that to my mom and she just looked at me and sighed.

That kind of condescension makes me uncomfortable though. Like when I forget to carry my pencil box to work, and I need my pendrive which happens to be in my pencil box. So I have to end up using someone else's pen drive? And then I come back home and find out that I had my pencil box in my bag the whole time? Does that make me a klepto pen drive hoarder? 

Someone get me a new pair of glasses and some extra pen drives. Please.

Speaking of things that make me uncomfortable...are books that don't fold properly...you know so when you're reading it eats up words so you have to unfold it so you can finish the line properly? I mean yeah fine I can guess that the materia will end in materials but why do you still want me to? Do I look like someone who would enjoy that sort of thing? 

My Boss has made it quite clear to me though that all this uppity uncomfortableness will go away if I had a rollicking affair and bring back the "much needed focus in your work, D". (I let her believe this was brilliant advice but the thing is,even if I did have an affair I'd probably end up falling in love with the poor chap and he'll run away scared and that would be one more thing in the list of shit that makes me uncomfortable.)   I wanted to clarify that my work has nothing to do with this. Work-wise, this isn't a phase. I'm just generally lackadaisical and she should probably fire me but I thought I'd leave that oscar winning monologue for a more opportune moment. 


I realise this post is rather sad. But I've been dealing with feeling sick and generally low for the past two weeks and I'm sort of glad that the sickness cloud has passed over. The  lowness is still here though.

So I'm doing what I usually do: watch beauty tutorials on YouTube and read Zomato comments...till I feel better.


 This reviewer literally zoomed out of "the hugest heartbreak"
 after trying out  "spicy sauces"...I'll have what she's having ;)

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

This Post Is Trying So Hard To Be Generally Aware

Modi's hot right? 

Why am I having these dreams about him? Tell me he's hot or that I'm not losing my mind. 

I mean of course I know you're supposed to know that Arjun Rampal and Akshay Kumar are the hot ones. 

But that's standard hot? I guess? There should be standards of hotness. And now I'm thinking about these little holograms on all these guys with hot and un-hot marked on them.  I'm going to jail, you guys.  Not that that's a big deal anymore. I could be sitting in a fancy restaurant in Mumbai, having a nice beef steak and kaboom! jail. It is of course beside the point that I cannot afford a beef steak in a fancy ass restaurant in Mumbai, right now. I can afford shoes though. Leather shoes to be precise. That's a good thing because I'm always on my feet and when I come home I can cuddle with a jar of peanut butter and thank Modi and dream about him? Full circle, bitches. 

Unrelated, I don't understand the Ed Sheeran madness? I mean I watched a video and came out thinking wow this dude really can lift a girl...a lot. And who is she... does she have a Twitter account? I want to know what she has for breakfast.

Also, just found out they're banning 50 Shades of Grey in India which is sad because then you'd have to go watch the movie for the plot...that's like watching your daily soaps for current affairs. 




Saturday, March 14, 2015

This Is The Closest I've Come To Writing About Sports- Hungover. Football- Genius Much?!

You know what would be fun to watch? Hungover Football. Like football except everyone would have to be hungover while playing? When I pitched this idea to a friend, it was immediately assumed I have a drinking problem. Or that I am an intolerant teetotaller. 


So I had to clarify that this in fact showcased my constant need to innovate and engage people in fun activities! (and now I sound like a CV...that must count as a skill right? can I put that on my CV?)


And then they just assumed I'm sadistic. (There's a history though: this friend I know, recently got married on Facebook. Or so it seems, because she's documented every.damn.move there...and that got me thinking if this is the future you guys. Getting married on social media. So anyway, she put up this profile picture with her hubby and it's in grey-tone. So I commented "may there be 50 shades and more..." with a winkey smiley, and somehow my friends think that was excessively inappropriate!! I think I'm going to be walking into a we-need-to-have-a-talk room full of concerned eyes any time now.) 

So I digress....
Hungover Football...would have to be...


a series of very quiet matches. So no  cheering or booing cause you're giving the players a headache you asshole...dude can't focus... let him be! Also no on-pitch shouting or any sort of commentary(which is a relief cause that ish puts me to sleep). 


And instead of getting caught for steroids and shit, the players could get caught pre- match evening, only if they weren't drinking enough. Or pretending to drink while they're only nursing a  glass of soda. I'm thinking there should be some kind of technology to detect that? 


I need to think this through, but everyone kind of stopped listening after I pitched that whole getting married on social media idea. My efforts are wasted I tell you...wasted