Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Neil Gaiman Nudging Brilliant Ideas Into My Head & Saving Me A Little. The Usual.

I was listening to A Phone Call From Paul - A Chat With Neil Gaiman (a neat little format if you ask me). 

So Neil says something quite interesting there and I quote, "Nobody in a story  gets to really look around and understand the story. The joy of our lives is that actually where we make sense from is not only afterwards but from the outside. And it's that point where somebody can say, "Ah! so, so and so, his discovery of this, changed the world!... So and so who had this life where he thought he was a failure- actually this is what he threw up to the world! This person made this happen.. and suddenly you take a step outside and you understand how things fit in, you understand  the shape of the story- you understand who were the heroes, who were the villains, who were the supporting characters, who were the love interests. And you also understand, of course, that that's not true, that's a lie because you'll just have to take one step to the left and all the love interests change, the supporting characters change and the hero changes....he's the story in which Charles Darwin who was the guy who discovered evolution and he did this and he did that and then you take one step towards the left and no, now you're talking about the other guy who went out and kind of figured it all out, but he never got famous.And now he's your hero." 

I must have re-played that a dozen times. Because this man...just said something in a way that I never would have imagined. That sometimes, when it feels like someone is hurting you to the point that they have acquired the features of a fire breathing dragon, and said person is making you want to question your very existence- wouldn't it be cool to believe that you, my friend, have stumbled into someone else's story? Oh what a sense of relief, that...isn't it? 

 The more I think about it, the more it makes sense, really. Because in his story he is the hero, with the whole fire costume thingy. I wouldn't pick that costume for me where I'm the hero of my story, I'd probably pick something cuter and in shades of pastel, but that's my problem. Also I'm so immersed in his/her antics that I've confused myself to be more than just a "supporting character" and I'm trying really hard to own a future chain of events that aren't even supposed to be mine! It's someone else's D. Take a hint! 

All my life I've been trying to be so careful about who could hurt me and who is perfectly safe and who has "jerk" potential...when all I had to do, was figure out when my plot is starting to look foreign, and realise oops, this is someone else's. So it wasn't ever about people being "bad" or "good" but only about recognising when it isn't your story any more. It's an honest mistake. And there's absolutely no need to get so worked up about it. Instead imagine a really uptight English butler telling you, "it happens all the time, Miss" and run along. 

Now I'll give you an example. If Neil Gaiman were to read this post (keep dreaming, D) and say, "but that's not what I meant at all you silly wench, you have nice hair, though." I shall curtsy and say, "Thank you Neil, but in my version of the story, this is how what you said, makes sense" and run along. :) 


From one of my favourite books by Neil. We're all in it together.
We're all in it alone. And that's how stories are born. 


Tuesday, April 26, 2016

The Threshold

She tries to picture him. He has probably made a check-list of important things he must take back home. The list is long, each thing a tiny puff of anxiety at the base of his throat. 

His shoulders are graceful, like a bird's. They are abrupt though and one can't quite match it with his neck. It's thicker but his voice is soft. It's mellow. Aloof. There are many questions waiting to burst out at the tip of her tongue. But she reins them in. They'd make her sound like she cared. 

A stray remark of when the flight is, is made. Evening, the tight lipped answer comes. He had mentioned it was in the morning, she had written it down. Another stray remark had to be made., "Oh? I thought it was in the morning." This conversation was taking place at 3:29 a.m, his time. 

She wouldn't put a label of "nocturnal" on his innocent forehead. He couldn't sleep at nights. There were nightmares, she knew. But he never talked about them. She'd picture him clawing at his pillows and waking up longing for a drop of water. Right then in her head, a threshold had been crossed. 

"You are awesome" he had written with three busy yellow mouths spewing out garish red hearts when she had described what she'd like to do to him after he stepped out of the shower. He would never cross that threshold, she had realised. 

He falls asleep mid sentence. She wonders what tires him out so much. 

She waves at him from the other side of the threshold, he waves back, not quiet able to make sense of why there are tears patiently melting her face away. 


Saturday, April 23, 2016

Deliver Me...



"But I'm not giving up 
I'm just giving in." 

~Florence + The Machine 


For times, when the head won't let you sleep, won't let you breathe without knowing it's wasted. 

All your breaths are wasted. 

Here's to those times- that make you strong and all you've got to show for it is your pillow soaked and stained from rivers that run deep inside your eyes.

 You wouldn't know about them till they stray from their paths.... from the chartered river bed.

 They are tired. 

And you nod because you understand. 

Three Rivers Deep (book series) "A two-souled girl begins a journey of self discovery..." http://threeriversdeep.wordpress.com/:

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Because I Am Feeling Indulgent

It is surprising how you have learnt so well
Those buttons that make me quiver like a leaf through my own moral hell.
You hold me, grip me with your words
In a trance I give in to the needs that flutter inside me like hungry birds.

For the next one hour, I let you take me through
The reds, the oranges and bursts of dainty blues,
I look at you, and there's not an inch 
That into my being, the brain won't permanently singe 

In the cavernous depths of our cries 
You're here, you're here, who would dare deny? 
The mind races to imagine what it would be 
If I really felt your skin, your face against me. 

My mind is a afloat and scattered
People are talking at me and  nothing else could ever have mattered.
There's you, there's me, there's us and the losing of all sensibility
Why must you know what to say, how to shred away the last remnants of stability?

I listen for you patiently, I want more.
More than is my fair share of the way you adore. 
You have probably drifted off to sleep
And  left me to  laugh at my stupidity and weep. 

Source: etsy.com
P.S so some of you sweet readers have DMed me saying "Damn girl, you write about sexy times now?" And to them I have replied, "why couldn't this be a conversation between the sky and the sun and their sexy times?" They have asked back, " well it talks about an hour, that's why?" and yes, it does, but isn't a day like an hour for the sky? I thought the picture at the end of this and the "reds, the oranges and the bursts of dainty blues" would give away what I was trying to do...but clearly I suck at this :P So anyway, I thought I'd write something here just for the record.

Monday, April 18, 2016

This Isn't A Travelogue Or An Ode To April - Maybe Something in Between?

“Welcome to the Heat and Dust” said everyone.  It’s been 9 long holiday days. 9 days of viewing pleasure, where the cold and the kindness and the good food came to us in drifts. It’s very much like these people with their hands tucked inside their pherans- if you let your vision blur a little it’s like watching a drift of people floating around limbless in their colourful cloak-like pherans- it’s a disturbing, beautiful picture that will stay with me when I close my eyes and try to stave off nightmares. They’ll protect me- these people with their kind brown eyes and rugged sharp features. I have never seen more beautiful faces.

In Kolkata we are greeted by a flood of boiling anger. A fight erupts on our way out from the airport. People are shoving fistfuls of hot words down each other’s neck. They transform into sticky sweat rolling down our spines, stifling our movements, languor is omnipotent– 8 degrees to 45 degrees- Geography is a funny thing.

We met gypsies- moving from one roughly constructed hut to another. Their horses are decorated from head to rump with color. They have huge dogs protecting their sheep. The sheep are marked red on the forehead- a weird mark of betrothal to a commune? Their entourage is of considerable length.A tiny puppy peeps out of a satchel that one of the women carry carelessly.  Watching them go by, we are tempted to walk with them. Forget everything and just move forward and onwards, attachments be damned. A simple smile adorns their weather beaten faces- they laugh at civilization and I want to laugh with them too.




I wake up from a dread of deadlines and a nudge from the phone vibrating from the weight of innumerable unanswered mails reminding me of responsibilities that have been so blissfully ignored. How am I even getting these notifications, my sleepy head wonders, I haven’t switched on mobile data yet. I peer at the phantom phone and ah..wifi. Right. Wifi. Damn you.  There’s so much to do that the only way to go about it is to pretend nothing of vital significance will be started till much later…and then you creep into the mess with baby steps-the dirty comb is cleaned, the unwashed hair is washed, the plants are watered-  and maybe a few hours later, home is home again.

My blog tells me that April has been a blank month. Nothing for you sweet April – Gretchen Wieners be put to shame.  But April is humble that way because April knows she’s been a really important month for me. She knows how much I’ve changed through the shedding of her tears- one tear for each day passed- till she must pass and remember to resurface same time, next year, with her basket of memories that I will buy and wear like battle scars that have already been paid for. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

The Thing About Blossom Is That I Can't Ask Her To Poop On Her Own Head Or Can I? Is That Like Saying Go Fuck Yourself But In Pigeon Code?



Sometimes I get visuals that  appear just before drifting off to sleep...and this just happened to be one that I remembered and then I wanted to make a hundred word story out of it: 


She cried enough to feel the tears pool around her eyes. They sealed her eyes shut- ice-cold rocks that would not let her feel the pain...for a while.
When the sun screamed her awake, the tears melted into a pool of diamonds.
She rented the pool to her neighbor Blossom, the pigeon. Well, Blossom was more of a squatter by the sill really.

A Bhil Painting - No Relatives of Blossom 

Blossom: I can’t pay a penny for such luxuries my dear.
She: That’s okay, I only cried all night for it, no biggie.

Blossom: Calm down sweetie, it’s only just a glittery pool.  You could do better. 


Sunday, March 6, 2016

That One Post Where I Don't Whine And Nag

The little joys of going solo: 

- being consciously aware of the diversity of my thoughts which don't necessarily have to concentrate around one person any more 

- Allocating my time in a way that doesn't have to factor in time that I have to spend "conversing" and "sharing" (I am such a sociopath)

- Being interested or curious about a member of the opposite/same sex without constantly questioning  what that indicates about my feelings for my partner. 

- Having unreasonable expectations about what an ideal partner should be like, my knight be wearing leather stockings y'all B~)

- The luxury of saying NO to random "friends" who are trying out their luck with you. Add to that the beauty that honesty is- "I'm busy now, could you may be not send me those porn videos that I will without a doubt find offensive and question my life's choices over, for no fault of my own? Don't make me question my life's choices sweetie, you have a good night now." The beauty, I tell you... 

- Ogling and dreaming about Christian Grey ~smirk~ I dare you to laugh at me. 

- Being open to possibilities, experimenting..Really sitting and reflecting on what I'm passionate about and what are the steps I could take to follow that path. 

-Not worrying over my partner's actions that I know are hurting me but are beyond my control or influence 

- Making my decisions entirely based on what suits me, zero compromises

- Not having to take a stance, just because of the whole "moral support" issue- the  I- need-you-to support-this-cause-that- you-don't- really- care- for, but you're my bae so do it..do it NOW. 

- Facebook is not a minefield any more. Enough said. 

- Seeing people for who they really are, as opposed to who your partner thinks they are. Because there are these complex feelings (that I am going to fare rather badly in explaining here) but I tend to get carried away...quite a bit and I forget where I stop and he starts. I'm a monster in a relationship, trust me.

-When you remember all the mistakes you made and the things that went wrong, it has got to make you a kinder person to people you meet everyday.These are just random people who traverse the same path you do...with nothing to gain or lose from you except the space you share with them in the markets, in the public transport, in eateries...so you smile at them and help them when you can...I think it makes you really aware of the general more mundane part of life...but you see them in a fresher way? (Does that make sense? )...as opposed to fixating on one person and one feeling. It's a welcome and sometimes exciting change!

- When friends come to you, clutching their hearts and say "OMG I can't bear this sadness anymore. How do you do it?" and you nod slowly and hold their hand, start them off with this video and whisper....

..."Trust me, it only gets better from here." 


PS. Can I just add here, that this post is in no way an attempt to say that I didn't have some very fulfilling relationships in the past. And most of them ended because of yours truly. But like they say, it all happens for a reason...and although it took away some of my best bits...I'm here, writing about how at peace I am with my life right now. And maybe going solo was the best course of action for me- the best decision I've taken in a while now.