Saturday, April 18, 2015

Gainsbourg and His Sweet Lies

A friend of mine shared this song with me: 

It's totally not safe for work. 

The first time I heard it I was a little traumatized. 

Second time: ...huh...I want this guy to whisper sweet nothings into my ear. I wonder what he's saying. 

So I googled the translation, this is what I got : 

"You go, you go and you come 
  Between my back 
  You go and you come 
   Between my back 
  And I rejoin you" 

I asked my friend if the song was really about anal sex. 

F: Wtf are you talking about? 

Me: I want to know what Gainsbourg is singing. Because I want to imagine he's singing all that to me. 

F: He doesn't say he's going and coming between your back.

Me: oh good. 

F: He says he goes and he comes between your kidneys. 

Me: umm what?

F: reins is french for kidneys. Renal...see? 

Me: why does Gainsbourg think going and coming between kidneys is romantic? :O

F: It's actually meant to be abstract. You can't think of it in the literal english sense.

And the weird thing is that the  song is stuck in my head. I've been humming about kidneys the whole day. Bet that was the whole point of it, to make you hum about kindeys your entire day. And now I don't think I'll be able to pee without getting slightly turned on.  Gainsbourg was one sneaky bastard. 

Friday, April 10, 2015

To Float Or To Swim- Summer Is Here And So Are It's Many Dilemmas!

Last Sunday was a bit of a rude shock.

Came very close to disappointing the only people in my life who  will, still sadly stay...despite all the pain I cause them because they are made of stern uncoditional stuff. 

But thankfully through the course of the week I realised that this time I had been spared and probably shouldn't have been as worried and fretful as I was on Sunday. But I'm glad I was. Because that's how we make changes. Stop and think instead of drifting along like life was never meant to serve any other purpose. 

Here's what Hunter S. Thompson wrote on the matter: 

" ...And indeed, that IS the question whether to float with the tide, or to swim for a goal. It is a choice we must all make consciously or unconsciously at one time in our lives. So few people understand this! Think of any decision you've ever made which had a bearing on your future: I may be wrong but I don't see how it could have been anything but a choice however indirect- between the two things I've mentioned: the floating or the swimming..." 

So, I choose to swim now. Because I'm done floating. It's been great though, no regrets. 

Onwards Friends! Thanks for being patient as always :) 

I realise this post could be termed completely that there are no details. But I think that would bore you. 

Here's something specific though: 

These are the books I'm currently reading. And I needed some place
to keep them together instead of lying around all over
the place like they usually do. 
Mom: did you just invert a tool and make it into a bookshelf? 

Me: Yes, not just any bookshelf, a portable one at that. This is how I get famous. Ikea should probably hire me. 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Downtown Abyss

You learn something new every day right? So I learnt that those black trays that you slide in and slide out and keep your keyboards on...are called adjustable keyboard trays. I bragged about that to my mom and she just looked at me and sighed.

That kind of condescension makes me uncomfortable though. Like when I forget to carry my pencil box to work, and I need my pendrive which happens to be in my pencil box. So I have to end up using someone else's pen drive? And then I come back home and find out that I had my pencil box in my bag the whole time? Does that make me a klepto pen drive hoarder? 

Someone get me a new pair of glasses and some extra pen drives. Please.

Speaking of things that make me uncomfortable...are books that don't fold know so when you're reading it eats up words so you have to unfold it so you can finish the line properly? I mean yeah fine I can guess that the materia will end in materials but why do you still want me to? Do I look like someone who would enjoy that sort of thing? 

My Boss has made it quite clear to me though that all this uppity uncomfortableness will go away if I had a rollicking affair and bring back the "much needed focus in your work, D". (I let her believe this was brilliant advice but the thing is,even if I did have an affair I'd probably end up falling in love with the poor chap and he'll run away scared and that would be one more thing in the list of shit that makes me uncomfortable.)   I wanted to clarify that my work has nothing to do with this. Work-wise, this isn't a phase. I'm just generally lackadaisical and she should probably fire me but I thought I'd leave that oscar winning monologue for a more opportune moment. 

I realise this post is rather sad. But I've been dealing with feeling sick and generally low for the past two weeks and I'm sort of glad that the sickness cloud has passed over. The  lowness is still here though.

So I'm doing what I usually do: watch beauty tutorials on YouTube and read Zomato comments...till I feel better.

 This reviewer literally zoomed out of "the hugest heartbreak"
 after trying out  "spicy sauces"...I'll have what she's having ;)

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

This Post Is Trying So Hard To Be Generally Aware

Modi's hot right? 

Why am I having these dreams about him? Tell me he's hot or that I'm not losing my mind. 

I mean of course I know you're supposed to know that Arjun Rampal and Akshay Kumar are the hot ones. 

But that's standard hot? I guess? There should be standards of hotness. And now I'm thinking about these little holograms on all these guys with hot and un-hot marked on them.  I'm going to jail, you guys.  Not that that's a big deal anymore. I could be sitting in a fancy restaurant in Mumbai, having a nice beef steak and kaboom! jail. It is of course beside the point that I cannot afford a beef steak in a fancy ass restaurant in Mumbai, right now. I can afford shoes though. Leather shoes to be precise. That's a good thing because I'm always on my feet and when I come home I can cuddle with a jar of peanut butter and thank Modi and dream about him? Full circle, bitches. 

Unrelated, I don't understand the Ed Sheeran madness? I mean I watched a video and came out thinking wow this dude really can lift a girl...a lot. And who is she... does she have a Twitter account? I want to know what she has for breakfast.

Also, just found out they're banning 50 Shades of Grey in India which is sad because then you'd have to go watch the movie for the plot...that's like watching your daily soaps for current affairs. 

Saturday, March 14, 2015

This Is The Closest I've Come To Writing About Sports- Hungover. Football- Genius Much?!

You know what would be fun to watch? Hungover Football. Like football except everyone would have to be hungover while playing? When I pitched this idea to a friend, it was immediately assumed I have a drinking problem. Or that I am an intolerant teetotaller. 

So I had to clarify that this in fact showcased my constant need to innovate and engage people in fun activities! (and now I sound like a CV...that must count as a skill right? can I put that on my CV?)

And then they just assumed I'm sadistic. (There's a history though: this friend I know, recently got married on Facebook. Or so it seems, because she's documented every.damn.move there...and that got me thinking if this is the future you guys. Getting married on social media. So anyway, she put up this profile picture with her hubby and it's in grey-tone. So I commented "may there be 50 shades and more..." with a winkey smiley, and somehow my friends think that was excessively inappropriate!! I think I'm going to be walking into a we-need-to-have-a-talk room full of concerned eyes any time now.) 

So I digress....
Hungover Football...would have to be...

a series of very quiet matches. So no  cheering or booing cause you're giving the players a headache you asshole...dude can't focus... let him be! Also no on-pitch shouting or any sort of commentary(which is a relief cause that ish puts me to sleep). 

And instead of getting caught for steroids and shit, the players could get caught pre- match evening, only if they weren't drinking enough. Or pretending to drink while they're only nursing a  glass of soda. I'm thinking there should be some kind of technology to detect that? 

I need to think this through, but everyone kind of stopped listening after I pitched that whole getting married on social media idea. My efforts are wasted I tell you...wasted

Saturday, February 28, 2015

February Wrap Up : time-has-stopped-and-I'm-in-weird-nostalgia-limbo

Hi you. I don't know where to begin, because that's what happens when you let all the little things that make you go "OMG I need to blog about this" in your head, pile up. And then you look at that pile and think, nah I'll just let it Usher says.

So I will tend to generalise and come up with a monthly trend thingy here. Also I can't believe I used the words "monthly trend" in my blog, that just sounds wrong, you get the picture though, right? It's been a month of nostalgia.

Sylvia Plath (I like to think of her as my soul sister, well, don't we all) sums it up pretty well. 

 I don't understand it when people get all hectic in February. Do you? 

I mean Februaries are supposed to be calm and a Priscilla Ahn song right? 

"The fish in the sea
Have many things to tell me 
Well what could they be? 
I'll never know I had to go
Because I don't associate with fish
So I continue to roam"

But according to people,  there hasn't been one single thing that I've done correctly this month. Really. I am trying  hard to recall here. But you know what? Nothing. And my whole life started to feel like those Hocus Pocus challenges. Where I need to spot the differences between the ideal world and my world.So eventually...I give up and utter a little whimper because all of this feels fine to me?And then you're shouting  at me and telling  me that  the little boy on the t-shirt of that man in that painting is bending a little more to the left than he should ideally (can't you see? it's so obvious!)

I don't know if I am making sense. I blame the swine flu. I got very sick this week and then I had to get flu shots.It wasn't swine flu though. Just the plague. Or something.  And ever since, I've been craving a bearded Bob Dylan look-alike to croon and sing to me while I sit by the lake and contemplate. Sadly, that ain't happening. 

But what did happen is, I ended up getting stranded and depressed at home. So I cleaned. I am such a hoarder, you guys. I had notes and stuff that I'd somehow accumulated from my Undergraduate years. My School leaving diaries...birthday cards from class 4...passport size photos of a friend(I suppose we were applying for entrance exams together) was so weird going through all of that, it felt like in that corner of my room, time had somehow stopped. Or you could just say I'm super lazy and never cleaned and put these treasures aside in a safe all this time. Shame on me. But I've had enough of that for now. 

And just when I was beginning to feel heart-broken and alone, my friend sent me  this picture of us doing the march past at school. I guess she had her time-has-stopped-and-I'm-in-weird-nostalgia-limbo moment too. 

It's like we're marching towards the apocalypse 

I am the one that looks like Gerard Manley Hopkins. 
Gerard Manley Hopkins. 

And somehow, all of me through this month. Instead of pining for the glory days gone by, I kind of feel strong in knowing that I was part of something special. A part of tiny bits and pieces of notes and memories that piled up high enough to drive an ailing future self with nothing better to do to,  to shrug and sort through it all, all over again and wonder if this is one Hocus Pocus Challenge she'd always win: In knowing what was truly ideal..and what isn't. 

Thursday, January 29, 2015

A Probable Quarter Life Crisis Manifestation. Or Something. :)

Hello... you've been very patient with me. I've had page visits of  posts I wrote when I started this blog? And sometimes I look at these and I'm all sheesh, what was I thinking? And now I have this terrible urge to delete everything and start afresh. But I know I'm just going to start writing about the same things again, and it will feel like deja vu (or whatever the correct spelling is). This blog is a lesson and a reminder that everything eventually must repeat itself. 

I spent the long Republic Day weekend alone at home as mom was traveling for a Pediatric conference. And I liked it, an unhealthy amount. Not the conference, the me- locking- myself- up- at- home,- reading- Gone- Girl-  and- pretending- we're- both- on- our- best-versions- of- vacation bit. (Technically, I get that it wasn't really a vacay for mom but she went to Delhi, and shopped. A LOT. So by her standards, it was definitely one)

So.... I've been feeling like bits of paper lately.Very.very.inert. There are 10 million things that I could be doing right now and that's paralysing me, the fact that there are 10 million things to do. 

Weird thing though? People are relying on me to come up with solutions for various bad things that are going on in their lives?!That's what's  baffling for me. The fact that I have to explain to people that this is just a bad phase and one more opportunity to come up with better coping mechanisms to emerge stronger in the future.

Baffling, I tell you.

I got in touch with a bunch of high school kids from my old school. They were preparing for an Economics Summit at a college. And it involved rescuing countries from economic oblivion. Just reading about it gave me panic attacks. Also, these kids have better ideas than I do. I couldn't even be joking about this.

And something about talking and spending time with these girls from my old school is bringing out someone I'd buried a long time ago. Someone who Googles nifty ways of using extra conditioner lying around the house,  (fabric softeners and as bath oils, who'd have thought?), new light ideas for the living room ( the trick is to do it in layers you guys! I'm going lamp shade shopping this weekend). Also I use a pencil box now, that contains a mickey mouse ruler and a Chhota Bheem  sharpener, and mostly pencils and one pen. My colleague was staring at it, so I explained to her that these are just goodies my mom gets to distribute to her patients and I think it's just "convenient" . But I'm not fooling myself. I love that damn sharpener. 

Also, it strikes me now, that as a drink, I've always preferred cranberry flavoured Breezers as opposed to anything else? Also, I just really like smileys. Like the yellow face with a black smile smileys. Any kind of smileys. 

13 Going On 30
I'm like this girl in the movie except I don't even have crazy miracles happening
to me. Also, how awesome is this movie? Answer: Very. 
Maybe this is just a phase, or a quarter life crisis manifestation or a sadass attempt at growing some roots and attachment or just me being silly, but it's comforting. So people can zip it and I'll let them borrow my stationary if they like.