Tuesday, June 6, 2017

This Post Has A Lot Of Dots In It

It's been a while...

The times have rolled and meandered.. little tiny wheels

And of course there's an awkwardness

Hopefully it dissipates like a cold drop of water under the sun.

Totally not trying to write a poem.

We are on summer break at the end of which wait the important daunting life altering exams- the Qualifiers. Studying for the Qualifiers is a lonely heartbreaking process wrought with a specific boredom of old lessons ...that must make new sense.Hence the need to be candid about the feelings... they are always felt...but there have been very seldom times where I've sat with them. I'll have an extra cake, color co-ordinate my closet, clean the kitchen...you get the drift...

This is me trying to sit with my uncomfortable feelings.Uncomfortable for me is - that feeling of being abandoned...rejected...not thought of.... and it's always there like a dark shadow just beneath the skin...waiting for reality to mess up in one tiny way so it can ooze out.It crawls at the back of my neck and peers at my whole body like a sadistic lecherous beast and I know what's coming so I try feebly to look at the phone, to do one more...fun thing. Go away...I want to scream but I know I can't keep at this for too long. What is scary is how real all the lies I feed myself become and how much they rile me up in  weird imaginary bouts of cramps that never seem to leave.... it's always there...the ache, the sadness waiting patiently to take me by surprise again. It is always a surprise- fresh and naive like a child playing peekaboo. 

Of course it has very little to do with how things really are....I understand that now. I should be thankful and I am. 

I write this and keep it as honest as I can because I care....Because sometimes I almost convince myself that I don't...when all my life...really...I've just cared too much. 

Sunday, February 5, 2017

A Split Blank Second

I had this epiphany last night. Quite sure that it's completely not original except I am putting it out there because this shit is hard to Google and check if I am the only one thinking this way. 

Remember that feeling you get when you walk into a room with some purpose and forget why you did ? It's been happening to me a lot lately. Sometimes I recall later why and other times I just let it be a walk. 

What if that's what happened when we were "walking in" to this world? well crawling in...what if we had a very specific reason for doing this and our whole life is that split second in the room where you completely blank out and try to figure out what the shit we came in here for? 

Is this sounding more obvious to you than it did to me? 

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

A Sackful of Nothing And Everything

I am in love. 

Different kinds of love. 

Time and space make you realise that there can be many kinds, kinds that are far from the romantic dreamy solutions we always tend to want as the logical conclusion to all the thoughtful stories that we think the world is made of. 

Every time I get dreamy I message a friend and she tells me "find a friend D, those are rarer than lovers." 

She is right.

Also she has the whole adulting thing sorted while I cry over my grades and the pressure of grad school to her. It has been crazy to use an oft used phrase to describe indescribable things and feelings. 

I'm sure I have changed a lot and I don't even realise it. 

I haven't been very faithful to my blog here, in recording all the ups and downs. But I am sure there's nothing I would write here that you haven't already read at least once and have tucked away somewhere in the obscure corners of your mind. And I'll begin to say it and you'll roll your eyes at me and say...ah that story,  

I don't have anything bombastic or new to write here. Except its pretty damn bombastic and new to me because it has  been happening to yours truly. 

Sometimes I worry that I will never have observant clever things to write about for my blog because I talk too much and never stop and look at what's actually going around. 

There are just these... people moments places.... and life has a way of meandering around the good stuff and the bad like it's trying to show me some kind of a dangerous dance show that I can never get out of alive. 

O wait. Right. Of course. 

I guess I am living a little. And loving these little pieces of pure beauty that life is throwing my way...no big deal.. no it is a really very big deal. 

Stay warm. 

Until next time.... 


Sunday, August 28, 2016

Heart Break.....

Yesterday I attended a Greek festival. An old Greek lady came up to our table and said "Is this taken?" And that was it. She was a part of our table, us Uni babblers and her. 

She turned around, looked at me, the sun was hitting her face at an angle and she said, "My God, you are beautiful. " And I wanted to say, "what are you talking about, YOU are beautiful." But I didn't. I smiled, said thank you and laughed it off.

She was like my grandmother. My grandmother is beautiful, fair and spunky. If she'd like something I'm wearing, she would compliment me and say "you look beautiful. Ask your mother to buy all variations of this dress for you." Oh she has style and cooked like a diva despite the fact that she had to deal with a broken leg and an arm. 

She is no more. I just found out while randomly calling my mom on Skype.

It's so hard for me to write about her in the past tense. To know that July 30 was it... that I would never see her again. 

I have always been at the heart of bad news. To be so far away and be smacked in the face with it is not something I had prepared myself for. 

I am sharing a song she liked here, 

Translated : 

This jewel studded necklace is not my style 
It hurts and pokes at me when I try to wear it 
It pains when I try to remove it 
This jewel studded necklace doesn't suit me. 

It chokes me up and I can't sing 
My mind is elsewhere, and I can't set my mind to work 
This jewel studded necklace is not my style 

That's why I wait, so I can bedeck you with my necklace instead 
It would bring me so much relief.... 
Welcome me with garlands and flowers 
I can't bring myself to face you with this jewel studded necklace. 

I hope she found the relief that she so wanted and struggled for all her life. Rest in peace you beautiful sweet woman. We all hope and strive to have a little bit of your talents scattered around in us. Look out for me. I will miss you.... so so much. 

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Crush Them With Love.

The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark 

Act I 

Scene III. A room in Polonius' house 

Lord Polonius 

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend, 
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. 

And it was all...yellow.
There is a Chipmunk in this photo. I think I found my spot at the Uni

Things I found out about myself this week - 

  • I suck at volleyball. I hate sporty things that involve balls in general actually. Probably because I suck at it. 
Why yes, that is in fact strawberries with whipped cream on my breakfast cereal
  • If I have strawberries and whipped cream in the fridge I will never want to cook because that's what I'll want to have for breakfast, lunch, dinner or even snacks, really. 
  • The ouchy corn I had back at home is getting ouchier and I might be losing a foot. Or something. 
  • I now know how to fix a flush, thanks to YouTube. 

I am more proud about that last point than is normal for a 27 year old. 

I feel old. 

Also the homesickness has finally hit...I think. I don't want to weep all over this post. But I'm a ball of mush right now. Love violently  if you have to you guys. Love hard. You never know when it will suddenly all change and you will find yourself weeping into your pillow while listening to Jenny Lewis. 


Sunday, August 7, 2016

On Not Knowing Things

The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark 

Act V 

Scene IV Elsinore. A platform before the castle


...Lord, we know what we are,but know not 
What we may be..

Confession: I've stopped reading. 

The last book I read, remains unfinished, at home tucked inside the upside down red tool that I had made into a portable bookshelf. My mind hovers around that shelf of unread, well loved books and I stare at the one cold book next to my makeshift sleeping bag bed in my quiet, heavy room now. I don't know why, the room feels heavy. I open the window often enough, let the light and breeze play in but my mind won't stop fidgeting. 

Somewhere in all this traveling I've lost my footing, the quiet order and rhythm of events that my life was built so carefully around- my little portable upside-down-tool-for-a-bookshelf life. Not sure what I have right now, is..sometimes I just stop thinking and blank out completely, people would be talking to me and my head will be off somewhere grasping for one familiar strain of a Leonard Cohen song. 

I don't know where this sudden fixation on Leonard Cohen songs is coming from...

I don't know so many things..

Friday, August 5, 2016

We're Home

We're here. 

We're home for now. 

I'm going through the motions and there are a LOT of motions when it comes to setting up things afresh in a new place...continent. (I am being vague, I know, sorry, but this is how an anonymous blog should work? I think?) 

I can't be poetic or exultant about everything that's happening to me because it's still happening to me. I am still fresh off the boat, still a little in awe of everything. The country is still speaking to me...it sure has a lot to say! 

I'll be back when I sound a little more coherent. Hopefully that's sooner rather than later. Till then, be kind to each other ~hugs~